By Jane Ng (25S03D) , Nurul Iman (25S03C) and Qi Ying (25S03H, Peer Helper)
Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.
I feel like gender roles and societal norms still get in the way of forming genuine platonic relationships with my schoolmates of the opposite sex. People over-romanticise my interactions with them, so I feel the need to be hyper-aware of the way I act around them, even though I only see them as friends.
Anguished Anita
Dear Anguished Anita,
In this new chapter of life in JC, I can surely say that this is a common problem many students face. Logically speaking, there shouldn’t be much difference in building friendships between men and women. But logic doesn’t seem to overcome social rules. In the world we live in, there’s an unspoken fine line that boy-girl friendships shouldn’t cross, lest society deem the relationship romantic instead of platonic.
So where do we draw this line? If a guy and a girl text each other often, that could be forgiven as a trait of a normal friendship. What if they call or go out every day? At that point, there may already be some mixed feelings. But what if both of them go on a trip together, alone? That might be considered a hard launch.
Yet, we find that this line is never clear. The most normal deed to one person might be the most romantic gesture to another. It’s incredibly subjective, and varies greatly between different people. Understandably, this can make it frustrating to navigate opposite-gender friendships.
Setting boundaries
Yet, that’s the magic of it — this so-called line is different for each individual person. As is with all friendships, setting boundaries is instrumental in making sure both parties are on the same page for different aspects of your friendship. Some more important ones would be physical boundaries as well as the boundaries for conversation topics or jokes. These could be mutual or personal thresholds, but it’s important to ensure both parties are well-aware to avoid miscommunications.
Physical boundaries stem from a personal comfort level so these may change as you become closer, but do keep in mind that these changes take time! As and when they do change, please make sure that you know where the new line is so you don’t do something that makes you take one step forward but three steps back. You can try to set boundaries by labelling certain actions as red lights or green lights. Some green lights when the friendship is just starting out would be high fives or fist bumps. Some red lights would be hugging or head pats.
We may have made a habit of doing some physical gestures when alone with same gender friends, but there are some gestures that we should keep in mind when with friends of the opposite gender. For example, holding hands may have been okay in an all girls’ school, but maybe you should check with your male friend if they are comfortable with it.
Another very prominent thing that often becomes a topic of conversation, and that may even start rumours, is how much distance there is between two people of opposite genders. A large gap, intended or not, could suggest emotional distance, while a closer gap could be interpreted as something more than friends. But in a crowded room of people, be mindful and keep it demure. Don’t forcefully push your female friend away because this could also be cause for conflict. Be clear in how close you are with each other and translate that into the distance you are comfortable to be near them. Remember, to each their own, so make sure to be clear on where your boundaries and your friends’ boundaries stand!
Using a reverse traffic light conversation method to strike a conversation regarding these sensitive topics can help ease the process.
- At the red light: Identify what parts of the conversation you want to bring up may make the other person uncomfortable
- At the yellow light: Slowly ask some open-ended questions like “What do you think of ___?” to get a sense of their opinion on the matter
- At the green light: Once you’re aware of the faint lines they set, start to build the line more concretely by sharing your view and see how the other person reacts. Negative reactions bring the line down to minimal talking about the topic and positive reactions bring the line up to open conversations about the topic.
Now especially for those lovergirls and loverboys, romantic boundaries should be put in play in order to not confuse anyone with “mixed signals”. Being close friends with the opposite gender is always okay but in this day and age, it’s good to make sure your exclusivity to your friend isn’t leaning towards the romantic side.
For example, flirty behaviour is really common between friends of the same gender. However, a girl jokingly saying “Like me just say” to a guy may not be received well. It will be okay if both sides know that it is a joke so take the time to warm the other person up to these kinds of jokes so that no misunderstandings occur. Be clear that these jokes are not considered flirting with the other person. Take small steps to introduce flirty joking to your friendship dynamic like maybe mention it once and clarify after, then there’s less chance of accidentally romanticising the friendship.
Talking it out
While you can’t control what others may say about you, you can definitely control how you navigate your way through your own friendships. What matters most is that you are secure in your relationship with the other party and know that whatever others say won’t change your bond.
That being said, it’s almost impossible to avoid worrying about the people outside of the friendship. Rumours spread like wildfire and this creates a barrier that prevents the friendship from growing deeper,eventually growing stagnant and sometimes may lead to people growing apart. You wouldn’t want to be seen with the person you’re rumoured to be dating if you’re interested in someone else, right?
The most commonly-heard advice is to ignore what other people think, which isn’t completely wrong. Nevertheless, this is easier said than done. Despite the many, many, many lessons we were taught to not let others’ opinions affect us, the judgemental stares and hushed whispers sink beneath our skin, bubbling our anxiety and infecting our minds.
Navigating a boy-girl friendship in a world that loves to romanticise everything can be tricky, but there’s no better way to handle it than by talking it out. This means having some real conversations — starting with your friend and extending to anyone else who might need to hear it.
First things first, just sit down with your friend and have an open conversation about your friendship. Make sure both of you are on the same page about what your relationship is and how you want to deal with any outside noise. This chat can be super reassuring because it reminds you both that your friendship is about you two only — not what others think. Once you know your friend is in this with you, it’s easier to ignore the rumours and just enjoy your bond.
If rumours have been spreading, then it might be worth talking to the people behind them. You don’t need to go all confrontational on them, of course — just a calm, straightforward conversation can do wonders. Something like, “Hey, I’ve heard some people think we’re more than friends, but just to clear the air — we’re not. We’re just really close friends, and I’d appreciate it if you could help stop these rumours.” Most people don’t even realise the impact of the gossip surrounding them, and a simple chat might be enough to squash the drama.
It’s also important to have a support system, such as friends, family, or anyone who really gets you. When the whispers and side-glances start to get under your skin, they are the ones who’ll keep you grounded and help you laugh it off. Talk to them about what’s going on, and let them be your sounding board. Sometimes, just hearing someone else say “Don’t worry about it,” is all you need.
Lastly, extending your boundaries to people who just can’t stop speculating about your friendship would really help. It’s okay to let them know politely but firmly that while you appreciate their concern, your friendship is their business. Over time, as people see you’re serious, the rumours will likely die down on their own.
Ultimately, these conversations can help clear the air, strengthen your bond, and set the stage for how others should view your relationship. So, keep the lines of communication open, stay true to your friendship, and don’t let the noise distract you from what really matters.
Compromises
Given our place in this gendered world, this is likely to be a dilemma we can never escape. As is with solving such an issue (and writing GP essays), balance is key. As much as we’d hate to admit it, there is a degree of truth to what people say. We’ve all heard of the classic story of an opposite-gender friendship turning into something more… ambiguous, then ending in a falling-out or an awkward conclusion. It’s not just the people around you—what if you or the other party starts getting the wrong idea?
As such, you may want to consider if it is more worthy to prevent such undesirable situations at the cost of a stagnant friendship, or risk the awkward conversations that may crop up between yourself and other (or worse, between you and your friend)? It may be a shame to limit ourselves to such ideas about opposite-gender friendships, but we cannot treat them as if they exist in a vacuum.
At the end of the day, there’s a general societal consensus that you cannot treat opposite-sex friendships just as you do for same-gender ones. If you find yourself getting into such sticky situations, you might want to consider a different approach for getting to know someone better when it comes to someone of the opposite sex. You can think about it this way—the journey is different, but the destination is the same. You can still get closer to them platonically, just that the friendship will manifest in a different way. You may also want to consider the Friendship Formula: Friendship = Proximity x (Frequency + Duration) x Intensity. Reflect on what’s working out, and identify the elements that need tweaking.
If the rumours are getting out of hand, it may also be an appropriate juncture to take a break from this friendship. Nothing drastic of course, but all parties could benefit from some distance and downtime. All things considered, this may be the best compromise to protect your friendship and your mental health.
Bottom line
At the end of the day, the bottom line is that boy-girl friendships are difficult. You might find your platonic soulmate, but you will have to weather a storm for it.
Keep in mind that boundaries are important, between you and your friend as well as between your friendship and other people. Find compromises when it gets too tough. Life is nothing without the people in it, so break the stereotypes that boy-girl friendships can’t exist because they’re beautiful, just like any other friendship.
Sincerely,
Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset
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