By Alena Siaw (24S03O) and Julian Low (25S06A, Peer Helper)
Your resident Aunties and Uncles are back with our Ask Aunt Agony and Uncle Upset column, this time as a collaboration between Raffles Press and Peer Helpers’ Programme (PHP)! Ever wanted to rant about that someone you just can’t stand? Overwhelmed with too many feelings? Submit your confessions to https://tinyurl.com/RIAAUU and we’ll give them our best shot. This column will be published at the end of every month.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for six months since orientation, but our relationship is growing stale. How can I spice it up?
Longing Larry
Dear Longing Larry,
In the whirlwind of everyday life, especially when school gets hectic, it’s not uncommon for relationships to start feeling a bit… mundane.
As schedules fill up with classes, assignments, CCAs, and other demands of JC life, the spark that once ignited your relationship might start to flicker. Here’s our take on addressing such a situation:
Embrace The Stale: It’s Okay For Relationships To Feel Routine
It’s completely okay for relationships to feel this way, especially if you’ve started dating from orientation! When you’ve dated someone when everything was light-hearted and fun, it’s important to recognise that the dynamic might shift once the rigours of school life set in. It’s a natural part of the ebb and flow of any long-term partnership.
When you spend a lot of time with someone, it’s innate for routines to develop. You and your partner might fall into a comfortable and familiar groove. Your relationship probably won’t feel as exciting as it once was, but it’s a sign that you and your partner have grown close enough to feel at ease with each other.
It’s not unusual for relationships to hit a stale patch, but remember, just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s destined to stay that way. There are a multitude of ways to help the both of you get through it together.
Time Flies When You’re In Love
So, how can one get through a stale patch in their relationship, especially given the heavy commitments an RI student might have? One piece of advice sums this up: Consistency is key. Being able to consistently and routinely spend time with your partner itself is a gift that should be treasured.
Not all your dates have to be grand escapades; you don’t always need to surprise your partner with gifts or fancy meals. In a given week, it’s more important to find the common pockets of time you have to spend quality time together, where it’s just the two of you. Simply having a meal together during free periods, or studying together before CCA, is a big step towards keeping your relationship committed and healthy. This is because the time you spend together is really meaningful – it allows for clear communication and gives you time to understand each other, which will strengthen your bond in the long run.
That being said, when time permits, it’s a good idea to go out and have a good time with your partner. There’s this idea that love is the highest form of friendship – a lover should be treated first and foremost as a best friend.
We organise outings with our friends, go new places and try new things: why not apply these to your partner? As an alternative to “me” time, make room for “we” time. Settle on a location and/or activity, and just enjoy each other’s company. Go for date nights once a week. Your time is precious; protect it!
Instead of letting the staleness settle in, embrace the opportunity to explore and grow together. You can share new experiences that might be outside of both your comfort zones, like signing up for a class or doing community service together. These allow you to learn more about each other and discover shared interests. It adds a layer of depth to your relationship and strengthens your connection in ways that routine activities cannot.
Tiny Gestures, Big Love: It’s The Little Things That Count
That being said, time allocated specifically for your partner is not the only way to show your affection or commitment. There are also some simple actions you can do that may be able to strengthen and liven up your relationship, depending on your partner’s love language.
The five love languages are: acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch, and words of affirmation. If you haven’t already, find each other’s love languages; they are simply the best ways each of us would like to receive love. And if your love languages don’t align, don’t fret! What matters in a relationship is the effort you put in to learn and express your partner’s love language, again, through simple actions that affirm your relationship.
Pet names, words of affirmation, hugging, holding hands, inside jokes or daily habits like wishing each other good morning or good night are all examples of these actions. Try matching these different actions to the 5 different love languages! You can also do your partner little favours such as helping them with that one odd tutorial question (this would fall under “acts of service”), or treating them to dessert (“receiving gifts”). No matter how small, these things show your partner that you really care and create a sense of mutual trust and intimacy.
As a rule of thumb, just remember: you don’t always need to put in a big amount of effort, time, or money for something to count! Just try to do what you can on any given day. Even if you’re really tired and are unable to do something extravagant, your habitual acts of love are what really count in the end.
On The Flip Side: When Things Get Toxic
Of course, not all couples are compatible and not all relationships work out – we can’t expect everything to work perfectly. There are definitely cases where relationships turn toxic, and if not given the proper time and attention, will eventually lead to a breakup.
It all comes down to trust.
One of the main reasons for a toxic relationship is the lack of open communication. Hiding information from your partner starts with a simple lie or two. Without the upholding of open communication, these lies can snowball into a web: when a single strand breaks, the whole web falls apart. These lies breed feelings of betrayal and distrust, which easily drive apart a relationship.
Another thing to watch out for is the lack of mutual support between you and your partner. Is your partner still supportive of your hobbies and achievements, or are they quick to judge and criticise? Do they feel genuine happiness in response to your success, or are there feelings of jealousy and discontentment? Looking out for these warning signs in your relationship is key to maintaining it – if you find yourself feeling unsupported, betrayed, or, conversely, envying your partner, then you should consider starting a conversation with them.
Navigating Love
Your day-to-day life will not always be new and exciting, and you should never expect it to be as such. At the end of the day, what really matters is that both of you stay together, grow together, and learn more things about each other as time passes.
The Honeymoon Phase is like fireworks — intense and beautiful, but doesn’t last forever. Your partner might not always be able to give you adrenaline or excitement, but your relationship, with enough time and effort, can transition into something deeper and more sustainable. This can naturally happen given you make the effort to foster complete trust and open communication.
As the initial rush fades, deeper connections and understanding can develop, creating a more grounded and enduring relationship. Remember that it’s all a natural progression of love!
If you need anyone to talk to about any issues you might be facing, do drop by My Rest Space near Marymount gate and talk to one of our peer helpers! We’re open on Monday, Tuesday, Thurs and Friday from 3pm – 5 p.m., Wednesday 11.00 a.m. – 1.00 p.m. If you would like to meet a peer helper on a regular basis, do email us a request at rafflesinstitutionphp@gmail.com or fill in our request form at our website https://rafflesinstitution5.wixsite.com/rafflespeerhelpers/peer-helping-request!